Hush little baby don't you cry

As a mother, you wipe your children's tears. But who wipes a mother's tear?

Maybe it's Christmas. Maybe it's reading about other mother's pain of losing a child. Maybe it's thinking about bullets tearing into a 6yo's body. Maybe because this is Kai's last week in kindergarten. Maybe because I read about the rapes in India.

Maybe.

Kai has night terrors. He has been having them since forever. From when he was little, just before he falls sick, he'd have night terrors frequently. There's nothing we could do, can do. We used to try to soothe him, talk to him, and eventually we'd just go in to check on him and go back to our room. He never hurts himself or anybody. He'd just scream the house down. SCREAM.

Last time, I would just listen to him scream and breathe a sigh of when he stopped. I'd be jittery before bedtime because the night terrors would go on for a few nights and a few times each night.

Then a few months back, we had to drive him to the hospital emergency unit because it looked like he could hurt himself. It didn't look like a normal night terror episode. As I sat there and looked at my 6yo thrashing and hopping about on the bed, with terror in his eyes, and screams that echoed through the silent house, I broke down and cried.

It dawned on me then that there could be something seriously wrong with my kid. Neurologically or otherwise.

We have been sending him to the neurologist a couple of times since. Sometimes it gets so bad that he goes into some sort of a panic or seizure-like attack where his body just freezes up before his bed time. He contorts his arms and legs and stiffens up. Yet, he is conscious during these pre-bed time episodes. It terrifies him. It terrifies me. I am ashamed to say I've screamed at him because he can control himself but he chooses to let the panic take over.

I forget that he's a 6yo who's frightened.

The good thing is that we've concluded, together with the neurologist, that there is nothing neurologically wrong with him. I talk to him about his fears, which usually involves me dying, his dad dying, his loved ones dying, leaving him and Kit alone in the world. He doesn't want to grow up because he is afraid of dying. I do breathing exercises with him when he gets the pre-bed time panic attacks. He now listens; calm, yogic breathing works wonder in calming him down.

But there are nights where things will spin out of control again. I forget he's a frightened 6yo again, and I feel guilty for what I say to him and for not keeping calm all the time during the episodes.

So, who wipes a mother's tears during moments of fear and uncertainty?

Baby no more

About six years ago, a close girlfriend visited me while I was on maternity leave and presented me with a beautiful box from Tiffany & Co.. It is for keeping Kai's first baby tooth, I remembered her telling me.

Although she now says, on hindsight, that it is such an impractical gift. (She wasn't a mummy then, and she says she didn't know any better.)

I was very touched by her gift. True, I couldn't use it then. But after receiving tons of diapers, baby toys, baby clothes, talcum powder, milk bottles etc., I was so grateful for her gift that was for me, the mummy.

The little box held a pair of diamond studs over the years. On December 12, 2012, those earrings were evicted. They made way for what the box was made for: Kai's first baby tooth.

Thank you EW, for making memories with me.

Fuji-san spotting

Like many travelers to Japan, I wanted to see Mount Fuji (Fuji-san). But I've also read that it's difficult to see Mount Fuji in an ideal setting: complete view of the symmetrical cone with the classic snow capped peak against a clear blue sky. One needs to be very lucky to see her like this, it seems.

Mount Fuji, taken through the window of our shinkansen, traveling from Tokyo to Kyoto.

So I felt really lucky when I spotted her from the window of the shinkansen (bullet train). We were traveling from Tokyo to Kyoto on the Tokaido Line. I didn't know then that this is the easiest way to view Mount Fuji. I was expecting to see her at Lake Ashinoko, Hakone. I remembered being taken by surprise, and awed by how grand and tall she looked against the clear blue sky.

I wanted to enjoy her for longer but it was tough when you're seated between two wriggly, demanding boys. I had to ask Terence to snap a picture of Mount Fuji with my iPhone.

I didn't expect to see her again when we got off at the Owakudani Ropeway Station. But she must have been feeling shy that day. And very quickly, in a blink of an eye, she disappeared.

Tried as hard as I might, I didn't see her again at Lake Ashinoko (nor Moto-Hakone) where I was expecting to snap my perfect Mount Fuji shot. But that's the attraction of traveling isn't it? To expect the unexpected and to see the expected in unexpected light.

When in Disneyland

For the boys, 2012 would be the year of theme parks. Before Japan, we were in Hong Kong for a short trip where we visited Disneyland and Ocean Park Hong Kong. By the end of our Japan trip, both Terence and I were theme parked-out while the boys (especially Kit) were still asking for more. Though Terence would probably never visit Disneyland again without the kids, I still like Disneyland because... c'mon, it's Disneyland! Here are the things that make Disneyland still a magical experience for me.

Mickey Mouse Ice Cream

In Japan: Orange ice cream for the boys and vanilla wafer ice cream for us to share.

In Hong Kong: Chocolate covered vanilla ice cream for the boys and simulated-strawberry flavored Minnie Mouse ice cream for me.

Who doesn't love ice creams, especially Mickey-shaped ones?

Mickey Mouse train into Disneyland

Peering out the train window in Hong Kong.

I feel like I'm starting on a magical journey when I board the Mickey Mouse train into Disneyland. It starts with the Mickey Mouse train station icons, then you'd see the Mickey Mouse-shaped windows and Mickey Mouse handle bars when the train pulls in. The boys are always excited to board the Mickey Mouse train.

Disneyland at night

I hated "It's a Small World" ride in Orlando but doing the ride again at night with the boys in Hong Kong was one of the most memorable, happy rides.

If you have a chance, stay for the night parade and the fireworks display. And if the park opens till late, do the rides at night! With only the moonlight and the street lamps to light my path to each ride, which is lit beautifully, I felt like a kid all over again. Everything looked so magical, dreamlike, happy.

The park may celebrate a festival/holiday with a themed parade so check their parade schedule. For instance, we were in Hong Kong near Halloween so the park had a halloween-themed night parade with Halloween props (e.g. ghouls, skeletons, spiders, spiderwebs, pumpkins) sprinkled all over the park.

Queues for the rides may or may not be shorter. In Japan, the queue for the more popular rides is still more than an hour but queues in general for Disneyland in Hong Kong at night were much shorter.

The parades

Kit peering anxiously, trying to see the first float to come round the corner.

As a parent, the parade is a GREAT time to sit down and relax. There's a lot of walking and waiting in Disneyland so everyone is usually very grateful for a 'time-out'. My boys know something exciting is about to happen and would be content to sit and stop horsing around until the parade is over.

Kit, accompanied by his toy alligator, really enjoyed the parades. 

Happy kids = Happy parents

As you can see, I'm not writing about the rides in Disneyland but some to-dos that'd make the experience complete, if not a happier one. Hope you'd enjoy Disneyland as much as we did. :)

On the first day of the last month of 2012, my baby...

My baby wore his first graduation gown, and bid a formal goodbye to his preschool years.

After all these years of watching other K2 children graduate, Kai and his friends are finally the ones who danced their last preschool concert, collected their certificate and farewell gift, bowed to teary eyed parents, and took silly pictures with their buddies.

As a family, we went through so much together. From worrying about how he would cope on the first day in school, toilet training him, teaching him how to feed and dress himself, feeling helpless while he has his night terror episodes, to helping him with his dyslexia. And I didn't do it alone, his teachers were with me every step of the way.

Ah, how bittersweet, sad, and happy I felt today. What a strange mix of emotions.

There are so many things I wish for him today. Happiness, good health, love, success, companionship, independence. The list goes on. Most of all, I wish he'd grow up to be a good person, someone who lives life with integrity, and for him to be happy.

I love you, Kai.